My paternal birth-grandfather recently passed away. My birth father’s wife kept me up to date on every minute detail of his diagnosis, battle and his eventual death due to pancreatic cancer. I read each message and felt immense sympathy toward a man I never met even though we live in the same city.
Besides a casual, “oh you can meet them if you want, I don’t know why you haven’t met them by now” by my birth father’s wife, I have never been formally asked if I would like to meet my paternal birth-grandparents. When the aforementioned casual question arose I replied by saying something along the lines of a yes, but a meeting never occurred. And now my paternal birth-grandfather is dead.
His memorial service was sometime this past month. I assume the entire family came to town for the service. I was never told the date, place, etc. and while a big part of me is relieved that I was not invited because I think attending would have been quite awkward (especially seeing as I have not met by paternal birth-grandmother), another part of me feels a little left out.
Why was I kept informed (almost daily) of this man’s struggle if I was not going to be welcome at the service? I have never spoken to or met this man and for all I know he does not know of my existence, or if he does know, he has chosen to not accept it.
If I was kept informed so I could be supportive of their family, well I would like to think I adequately did so. I even sent a sympathy card to my birth father and his family following the passing. I would feel bad for anyone loosing their father and grandfather, especially to such a horrible and painful disease.
When I read the message that he had passed I immediately looked up his obituary online. I then read the accompanying condolences. One in particular bothered me because it was signed with love, “from your oldest granddaughter”. Technically, I am the oldest grandchild.
Reading that statement brought back many feelings of confusion about who I am to my birth father’s family. When my daughter was born they felt they had every right in the world to see her right away and were hurt when I denied them this right (that’s another blog entry entirely). Yet when my paternal grandfather passes away I am not even important enough to be notified of his memorial service.
I don’t know if I would have attended the service, and definitely would not have showed up uninvited, but the fact that I was omitted from such a significant family event tells me I am not a member of their family. And while this is something I have been trying to establish with my birth-fathers family for quite sometime, the manner in which this has been determined is quite hurtful.
I know it may seem selfish that I am making this man’s death about me, but the fact remains that I was notified DAILY about this man’s illness when I had never before been told anything about him. It leaves me to question: who am I? I have been told I am my birth father’s daughter. I have been referred to as a sister. But I am not the oldest grandchild.
This post shakes me to the core and simply underlines the far reaching impact of adoption on all involved (even those who choose to remain in denial, possibly even on their deathbed).
My daughter (whom I placed almost 18 years ago) is also the oldest grandchild. I wonder, too, when my/our child turns 18 and beyond what will occur in her relationships with birthfamily members. I have attempted to begin to prepare my family for her “entrance” into their lives. She has repeatedly asked to meet them for the last several years. (All except my mom live out of state.)
Personally I believe my family members are pretty much in denial about how adoption has impacted our family. Time will tell whether the loss of having my child in our lives on a regular basis hits them as hard as it has me over the years.
I feel for you and wonder what your birthmother’s role is in your life. (Obviously I need to read more of your blog.) I so want to protect my daughter from thoughtless actions and statements that could take place between her and birthfamily members (most likely out of ignorance and confusion on so many levels).
I find it sad that the birthfamily was so open about daily painful events, but could not share the good memories or the support following his death. Your questions and your feelings are totally legitimate! My heart breaks for all the painful stories I read of those in adoption. The public needs to be educated! Adoption is no joke! It’s impact is far reaching!
Thanks for your post and blog in attempting to do just that!
[...] expand your understanding and awareness of the adoption experience. Here is one such post about one experience with birthfamily written by blogger “Adoption Tree”. As Sri is/was the “first/oldest [...]