My first face-to-face meeting with my half-birth-sister on my birth-father’s side was when she was fifteen years old. She was full of attitude and spunk and my initial impression upon seeing her was that she is very pretty, has nice long legs (must be from her mother’s side) and that she looked like a nice young girl. This impression was quickly trampled on when the first words out of her mouth were, “I heard you like to read? I hate reading.” She said this in the midst of another conversation I was having with her mother. I turned and replied, “Yes, I do like to read” all the while continuing my conversation with her mother. She then said, “The only thing I read is magazines. I’m too busy to read.” These statements hurt my feelings and while I should have known better than to take the words of a teenager seriously, I did. For me these words was her way making sure I knew we were different and that even though we may share blood we will never be alike. That was quite a few years ago, yet I have never forgotten and still feel hurt by her hast to point out our differences.
Then there’s the blame. When I located my birth father I was in university, and as I have previously stated I was consumed by my own little university-centric world – books, boys and booze. Finding my birth father was quite overwhelming and while I was anxious to discover more about my birth father I wasn’t so interested in his family. My birth-sister was young when I reunited with my birth father. She was told by her parents that I was her sister. As I think I have also previously mentioned, at that time being called her sister made me want to be ill. I was so confused. So much information was coming at me so quickly. My birth sister had known about my existence all her life. I had only known of hers for five-minutes and I was her sister? Thank goodness for the university pub.
Because of this confusion any phone conversation I had with her was brief and generic. We would chat through MSN or via email but only once and awhile. I felt I was too busy for her. I was selfish. So, after our first meeting and hearing how much she wasn’t like me (the reading thing is just one example) I couldn’t help but feel like I should have tried to be more of a sister to her growing up. Did I mention she has another sister? She has an older sister from her mom’s first marriage – a very nice girl. I suppose knowing she was in her life made me think I didn’t need to be a sister. I was already a sister and being a sister to a developmentally challenged brother had its own challenges. But now I can’t help think that perhaps if I had been more compassionate/active/”there” for my little birth-sister we would be more alike. Or is this just me wishing I saw myself in my birth families again? And so the confusion and guilt remains…
I understand how you feel. I recently was told about my birth father and upon finding him I found out that I have a half brother and sister. When I tried to contact my half sister she was very defensive and made a point to tell me how different we are and basically that we will never be “sisters”. I felt the same feelings you felt about maybe trying harder or doubting if this is what I should be pursuing since I was already a sister…it’s a very difficult position to be in. I have not spoken to her in about 6 months but I believe that if and when anything is to come of this it will when it’s right. I hope you are able to work out some sort of a relationship with your birth family but if not I’m sure you have people around you that love you no matter what,treasure that.:)
I’m a 44 yr old adoptee. I found my b-mother, and birth-sister 2 years ago. My b-sister reacted in a similar way by commenting on my clothes; ‘oh my god, you like red? i hate red!. Also the first words at our meeting. I still love red, but do not have a relationship with my b-sister. It was a terrible upset for her realizing that she was no longer an only child, that she had a sister her mom gave away 4 yrs before her birth. She was mad at both her b-mom and me i think. I was hurt by her reaction as i had put everything i had on the line to travel to meet her and b-mom. At the end of the day, I try and remember that their reactions are more about them, then about me. It really has everything, and yet nothing to do with me. It’s beyond your control. Be kind to yourself.
I’m sorry for your experiences. Mine was very different. My birth sister (half sister, same father), seven years younger, recently found her birth mother. It was wonderful meeting her and now I am enjoying getting to know her. She’s a gift.
I’m going to suggest that guilt feelings may be a way to keep down the anger. You’ve every right to feel anger at having been treated in a dismissive way. And at having been placed in such a difficult situation by your parents.