The Search for my Birth Mother

Nearly nine years elapsed between the time I found my birth father and my decision to actively search for my birth mother. My wait was partially due to how overwhelmed I felt when I initially reconnected with my birth father. I had decided I wanted to take some time to get to know him and his family before I even attempted to locate my birth mother. As well, in this time I was completing university, getting married and solidifying my career path… life was simply busy. Another hesitation was the fact that my birth mother’s surname was one of the most common last names in the world. I had no idea where to even start to search for a person whose name when Googled brings up half a million results. Needless to say I knew that unlike the search that lead to my birth father, the search for my birth mother would not be a quick one.

My birth father, as sweet as he is, didn’t remember a lot about my birth mother’s family other than some basic information. This was frustrating – not only was her name very common but I had little else information to go on. In the end I ended up placing a very brief classified ad in the newspaper where she lived at the time of my birth. The ad simply stated her name, the high school she attended, my birth father’s name and the year they dated (which coincidentally was the year I was conceived). I used an anonymous web-based email address for contact.

A word of caution – be careful with what information you share and with whom. I had a strange woman email me stating she went to high school with my birth parents. She had made it sound as though she used to be a close friend. She asked who I was and how she could help. I didn’t tell her who I was. I just said I was a friend of my birth father (I used his first name of course, not the term birth father) and that we were looking for my birth mother (again, I used her name). This woman seemed eager to help and I, anxious that I may have found someone who could genuinely help, thought this was a good thing. It wasn’t. In addition to calling every person in the phone book with the same surname as my birth mother, this woman also phoned my birth father’s parents, who at the time were very ill. My paternal birth grandparents are good people, however they are also very old-fashioned and my birth and adoption was a source of contention for them, so imagine the distress they felt when a strange woman called their house and started poking around in their business! I eventually told this woman to go away and thankfully she did. Many apologies later my paternal birth grandparents and my birth father are now able to laugh at the situation.

The classified ad remained in and out the newspaper for several months. Then one day I received an email from someone with the same last name as my birth mother and with the subject line: newspaper ad. Seeing that email in my inbox made my heart skip a beat. The email was very brief. It simply asked who I was and what I wanted. Because I didn’t know my birth mother’s situation and didn’t know who knew about my existence, I was very careful in what I said to anyone. I responded by stating I was a friend of my birth father (again I used his name) and that we had a few questions for my birth mother (again name used).

After three weeks of not hearing anything back from this mysterious person, I emailed again telling them that I in no way intend to harm or intrude on my birth mother’s (again name used) life. I left it at that. About a week later I received a response. Seeing that email in my inbox again made my heart skip a beat. This time the email said who the woman was – a sister-in-law to my birth mother and that she had been in contact with my birth mother and wanted to confirm with her that it would be okay to give me her contact information. She also revealed that she knew who I was and that my birth mother looked forward to hearing from me.

I emailed my birth mother that same night with the below email. She responded within hours. And so began a wonderful new relationship for both of us.

An introduction

Dear _______,

I don’t even know where to begin. Firstly, I am assuming you are the correct ________, the one who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on July __, 19__? If not, please delete. If you are, please read on…

I suppose I will begin with a minor introduction and an apology if I have disrupted your life. My intentions in searching for you were to find out more about myself and my birth-ancestry. Although I located _________ many years ago, our meeting was completely unintentional on my part. In short, we located one another after I submitted my name to an online adoptee database while waiting for a friend to finish e-mailing her boyfriend. Once I had logged off I didn’t think about the website again until a few weeks later when I received a phone call from a strange woman claiming to have located my birth father. I was in university then and not really interested in knowing about my birth-families – to this day I don’t know why I even submitted my name, but I am glad I did. That was about ten years ago. ___ and I continue to speak, and I have met him and his immediate family – all of whom are very nice. Since then I have contemplated searching for you, but didn’t want to disrupt your life.

It is my hope that you would like to speak with- or e-mail me, however I also completely understand and respect if you do not wish to. If nothing else, I wouldn’t mind knowing what you look like (I suppose it is only natural for a woman to wonder where she got her traits from), and obtain any pertinent medical information.

In the interim I thought I would tell you a little about myself. I am 5′6″, slim, medium brown hair (accented to more of a reddish brown), blue eyes, and very fair complexion. I have been married for two years to a wonderful man I have known since I was sixteen. We were far from high school sweet hearts though – we became friends because we worked together and one night he offered to drive me to my boyfriend’s house. We didn’t actually become romantically involved until about five years ago when, on a whim, we met for coffee.

I am university educated with degrees in English and Communication. After a push from friends and family, I felt it was time to break out into the “real” world, so after a couple of less than satisfying jobs, I got a full time job with the ________ newspaper – where I currently work. I worked there part time throughout university, so it wasn’t hard to go back there full time. I love the people as well as the job itself.

I suppose I have rambled on long enough; I have a tendency to do that in email. I would love to get to know you as a person instead of a figment of my imagination, however, once again, I completely understand if you do not wish to.

In any case I want to thank you. Thank you for being strong enough to do something not many people have the strength to do.

Sincerely,

Me