Not the oldest grandchild.

My paternal birth-grandfather recently passed away. My birth father’s wife kept me up to date on every minute detail of his diagnosis, battle and his eventual death due to pancreatic cancer. I read each message and felt immense sympathy toward a man I never met even though we live in the same city.

Besides a casual, “oh you can meet them if you want, I don’t know why you haven’t met them by now” by my birth father’s wife, I have never been formally asked if I would like to meet my paternal birth-grandparents. When the aforementioned casual question arose I replied by saying something along the lines of a yes, but a meeting never occurred. And now my paternal birth-grandfather is dead.

His memorial service was sometime this past month. I assume the entire family came to town for the service. I was never told the date, place, etc. and while a big part of me is relieved that I was not invited because I think attending would have been quite awkward (especially seeing as I have not met by paternal birth-grandmother), another part of me feels a little left out.

Why was I kept informed (almost daily) of this man’s struggle if I was not going to be welcome at the service? I have never spoken to or met this man and for all I know he does not know of my existence, or if he does know, he has chosen to not accept it.

If I was kept informed so I could be supportive of their family, well I would like to think I adequately did so. I even sent a sympathy card to my birth father and his family following the passing. I would feel bad for anyone loosing their father and grandfather, especially to such a horrible and painful disease.

When I read the message that he had passed I immediately looked up his obituary online. I then read the accompanying condolences. One in particular bothered me because it was signed with love, “from your oldest granddaughter”. Technically, I am the oldest grandchild.

Reading that statement brought back many feelings of confusion about who I am to my birth father’s family. When my daughter was born they felt they had every right in the world to see her right away and were hurt when I denied them this right (that’s another blog entry entirely). Yet when my paternal grandfather passes away I am not even important enough to be notified of his memorial service.

I don’t know if I would have attended the service, and definitely would not have showed up uninvited, but the fact that I was omitted from such a significant family event tells me I am not a member of their family. And while this is something I have been trying to establish with my birth-fathers family for quite sometime, the manner in which this has been determined is quite hurtful.

I know it may seem selfish that I am making this man’s death about me, but the fact remains that I was notified DAILY about this man’s illness when I had never before been told anything about him. It leaves me to question: who am I? I have been told I am my birth father’s daughter. I have been referred to as a sister. But I am not the oldest grandchild.

Adoption Records Opened in Ontario

Finally. As of June 1, 2009 if you were adopted in Ontario – or if your child was placed for adoption – you can receive information from your birth and adoption records through Service Ontario.

Prior to locating my birth parents the only information I had was the initial of my birth surname, my first name at birth and non-identifying information such as my birth parents eye colour (which, incidentally was incorrect) and their hobbies. Now adoptees and birth parents can find out more information about the adoption or choose to file a disclosure veto to protect their privacy.

I could list the full details of the benefits of open adoption records, but I’m interested in hearing from other birth parents and adoptees, as well as adoptive parents. For me, having access to my adoption records and information surrounding my birth is like finding missing pieces to a favourite puzzle. Even though I am in contact with my birth parents it’s nice to know that others who wish to start searching or simply obtain more information about their adoption can do so with a little more ease.

Who Does She Look Like?

I suppose it’s a natural question, but it never occurred to me that family and friends would be so entranced with who my biological daughter looks like more – her mom or her dad? My mother-in-law went so far as to post an 8×10 picture of my husband at six months of age on her refrigerator next to pictures of her granddaughter and pointed out where she saw similarities.

I’ll admit when my daughter was born I would look at her and wonder where her cute button nose came from, but I never thought “wow, she really looks like one of us”. I finally asked my mom to pull out what baby pictures she does have of me to compare. I look nothing like my daughter does at eight months of age. We both have blue eyes, but those still have time to change.

It occurred to me then that who she looks like does not matter. She is here, she is happy and she is healthy. My daughter is a perfect mix of the both my husband and I, and she is so adorable. I wish our families would stop trying to make her look like one of us… can’t she just look like herself?

What bothers me more is that we still plan on adopting and our adopted child will have no biological traits to compare us to. I think the comparisons for my daughter should end now before we adopt. I know if I had been adopted into a family where there was already a biological child, and that child was constantly compared to his or her parents, I would have felt very lonely – and I do not want any child to feel alone.

I want all my children, present and future, to feel secure in who they are as individuals. Although my daughter is only eight months of age I think it’s my responsibility to encourage this behaviour now, so that as she grows up she will understand that she is unique and she is loved for her uniqueness. And hopefully, someday, she will be able to share this understanding and love with a sibling.

Celebrity Adoption

When I heard Madonna was hoping to adopt internationally again, I immediately had my concerns. Some people think such celebrities should focus their attention on adopting within their own country, while others believe the fact that their desire to adopt brings adoption into the spotlight is a positive thing.

In the April 2009 Adoption Council of Ontario newsletter, the Executive Director stated the following concerning the media attention surrounding Madonna’s latest quest to adopt a four-year old girl from Malawi:

Throughout the past week the media has expressed increased interest in International Adoption with the story of Madonna’s failed attempt to adopt a second child. As members of the Adoption community, we are all aware of the challenges of the process – the trials and the tests that one experiences on the journey. It is important to connect with each other and provide support for others touched by adoption. We must also look at opportunities to inform, educate and advocate for adoptive families, birth families and adoptees to ensure that they have the resources they need at every junction along the way.

I agree. We must support all adoptions and all parties involved, however I have my doubts that Madonna has the child’s best interest at heart. Here is what I have heard through the media:  the child has no parents and her uncle purportedly consents to the adoption. The girl lives in an orphanage. Madonna’s lawyer, Alan Chinula, has gone on the record saying the Malawi Human Rights Commission has decided to get involved in the star’s bid to adopt. The adoption was recently rejected by a judge who believes the little girl is being well taken care of in the orphanage. Madonna is apparently fighting the judge’s decision.

The media has also reported that Madonna chose Malawi so her other adopted son who is from Malawi will have a sibling of the same ethnicity. I think that is wonderful. My concern is that these children will grow up as celebrities themselves and that their said ethnicity will be lost. Having a sibiling adopted from the same country does not solve this. Can Madonna ensure these children will grow up knowing everything they have a right to know about their birth families and homeland? According to Welt Online, Madonna’s adopted son has only been back to Malawi once since being adopted in 2006 and that visit was only recently. Suffice to say he apparently did not have much recollection of his birth father or life in Malawi.

While openness in an International Adoption may be more difficult, I feel it is important for children of International Adoptions to have full access to their history and ancestry – if anyone has the means to do this it’s Madonna. Let’s hope she does.

I Gave Birth to a Baby Girl.

I haven’t written in a long time.

I had a baby.

I am mom to a beautiful baby girl born in August 2008. Her conception and birth is nothing short of a miracle for her father and I. In short, I found out I was pregnant around Christmas 2008. I was not undergoing fertility treatments. I was, however, on hormone replacement therapy to give me a monthly period (kind of like birth control pills). When my period didn’t come I simply thought I was going to have to return to the doctors and have my hormone dosage modified. I was wrong.

My husband and I spent my entire pregnancy in disbelief. We were afraid that if we believed in this little miracle it would be taken away from us. A year and a half ago the thought of me having a baby monitor attached to my hip while I wrote a blog entry would have seemed near impossible – and now, here I am doing just that!

Our baby is truly one in a million. And now that she is approaching eight months of age I wish people would refrain from asking when we plan on getting pregnant again. According to my many doctors, it wasn’t supposed to happen the first time, so my guess would be never.

When my husband and I discovered we were pregnant we continued to complete our adoption home study and were approved to adopt. We still plan on pursuing adoption someday soon, but for the moment we want to enjoy our baby girl. I love being a mom and I love my daughter. This is my family for now. Both my husband and I look forward to having our family grow through the miracle that is adoption.

Searching for Birth Parents Using the Internet

I have had a few requests to provide more information on how and where an adoptee (particularly those in a closed public adoption) can start their search for their birth parents, and so this posting will hopefully do just that with a focus on searching using the Internet. Please keep in mind that I am not familiar with the adoption process outside of Canada; however a simple Google search with the keywords “adoptee searching” will bring up pages of websites. Keep in mind some of these websites may be free while others are paid. As well, be sure to thoroughly read a website before registering to ensure it is relevant and that you won’t be bombarded with needless solicitations and e-mails that are not relevant to your search.

In addition to searching online, for myself, the first step was to request my Adoption Order from the province of Ontario (which was the province in which my adoption took place). Once I had obtained this (it took a few months), I then requested my Non-Identifying Information. If your adoption was through a Children’s Aid Society, you have to request your non-identifying information from that particular agency (click here for a list of agencies in Ontario).

Non-Identifying Information is generally a multi-page document containing your social history including tidbits of information about your birth family such as their ages at the time of your birth, details surrounding your birth (i.e., time of birth, birth weight, etc.), your birth parents extra curricular activities, a bit about their home life and any like information they made available to the social worker at the time of your adoption. When applying for your non-identifying information it is very important to ensure you include as much of the following as you know:

• Full adoptive name
• Exact date of birth
• City or town where you were born
• Full names and address of adoptive parents when you went to live with them
• Your birth name (if known)
• Include a photocopy of your birth certificate, baptismal certificate, or driver’s license.
• Include current name, address and phone number and e-mail address

The more information you provide the quicker you will receive the non-identifying information. It took approximately nine months to receive my non-identifying information but I have heard it can take up to a few years! Just make sure that if you move that you make sure to notify the Children’s Aid Society and/or Ministry. My non-identifying information was about six single-sided pages. Unfortunately, upon finding my birth parents it was quickly pointed out that some of the information included on the non-identifying information was incorrect, however it was still pretty accurate and just knowing that much more about my birth parents made me feel that much closer to locating them.

While I waited for my non-identifying information to be received I registered with a website called the Canadian Adoptees Registry. It’s a simple and free website that lists adoptees searching as well as birth parents, siblings and family also searching. The website is run by birth parents that searched and located their birth daughter and is one of the largest adoptee search websites in Canada. All details pertaining to searching within Canada can also be found on the Canadian Adoptees Registry including links to Ministries, Agencies and check lists for successfully completing the necessary paperwork for items such as your Adoption Order.

Other ways to begin a search is to participate in online discussion groups such as those on AdoptionConnections.ca – it’s a small world out there and you never know who may read your post! There are plenty of websites dedicated to all kinds of adoptions – private, public and international. My recommendation is to start your search with a simple keyword search for “adoptee searching”. If you live in the United States over overseas try including the country in which your adoption took place and see what online resources are available for your particular country.

Just remember regardless of the online resources out there, it is very important to make sure you find out what documents you can and should request pertaining to your adoption or ask your adoptive parents what documentation they have surrounding your adoption that may be of assistance in your search.

Once you have exhausted all online resources and have all relevant documentation continue your active search by placing classified ads on free classified websites such as Craig’s List and Kijiji. Or if you know the city where your birth parents may be, try purchasing a classified ad in the local newspaper. Just make sure to include minimal information when placing classified ads and don’t include your name or phone number. I created a web-based e-mail address especially for this purpose.

I searched for and found both of my birth parents using the Internet. My birth father and I were reunited after both signing up with the Canadian Adoptees Registry and my birth mother was located after I posted an advertisement on a free local classified website. It took time to fond both of them, but I started searching when the Internet was still young. The number of online resources available to adoptees continues to grow and with it a growing online adoption community ready and willing to help you in your search. Good luck with your search.

Adoption Connections

I don’t think I fully understood open adoption until I began researching open adoption online. Through the magic of the Internet I was introduced to a remarkable woman who was not only a birth mother, but who has opened her heart and talents to other birth parents and adoptive parents in Canada through her website AdoptionConnections.ca. It is here birth and adoptive parents come together to form a unique online adoption community where birth and adoptive parents can share their stories, offer support and exchange resources.

What makes this website special is that birth parents and hopeful adoptive parents can interact with a birth mom. A woman who genuinely knows what it is like to have a child placed in an open adoption. A woman who selected her son’s adoptive parents by reading their profile and meeting them in person. A woman who has opened her heart to those interested in learning more about adoption and actively interacts in the discussion forums.

The owner of AdoptionConnections.ca is one of the hardest working people I know. She works hard to not only ensure people are aware of the website’s existence, keep her website up-to-date and stay on top of current adoption events and happenings, but she also offers assistance with profile writing (something adoptive parents can agonize over for hours – I know!) from both a professional (she has a degree in social work) and personal perspective (remember, she’s a birth mom who read through many profiles).

I am not one to plug products or websites unless I truly believe in them and I truly believe AdoptionConnections.ca should be one website bookmarked by Canadians looking to connect with information on adoption – whether you are a birth parent, hopeful adoptive parent or adoptee.

Amanda is Looking for her Birth Sister – Can you help?

The following came in as a comment to another posting, but I thought I would give it it’s own posting in hopes that maybe someone will be able to help this person. If the Internet is good for one thing, it is a good resource for people who are searching for a lost loved one.

————-

My name is Amanda Lee Countryman from Sullivan County NY. I was born on July 7, 1987 in Kingston, NY. I’m looking for my 1/2 (same dad) birth sister who I believe was named Jennifer Lyn Countryman (at Birth & until toddler age). I’m a broke and cannot afford to do searches so I’m hoping this will work.

I’m pretty sure she was born August 31, 1981 in Kingston, NY at Benedictine Hospital. Her birth parents were Gary W. Countryman and a woman I only know as “Barb”. They lived together in the Kerhonkson/Accord, New York area until “Barb” broke up with Gary & left with Jennifer, then moved to Parlin, NJ.

I think Barb got married while living in the Parlin, NJ area and Gary signed Jennifer over to the new hubby and Barb had another son. Later in years, a boy was born to Deanna Schoonmaker from the same area and I heard that he is our 1/2 brother too. I heard that the boy lives in Florida with Deanna & tried to visit his dad, but it didn’t work out and he returned to Florida. Gary died September 12, 2006, but I don’t know the details.

I don’t think Gary was a part of any of their lives past the toddler stages because he suffered from alcoholism and it ruined relationships.

I am looking for Jennifer Lyn (birth name Countryman) born August 31, 1981 in Kingston, NY. Thank you for any help locating her. Please email me Amanda L. Countryman or my mom, Kristy Barnes with any info. at Monetsgardenofeden@yahoo.com or Monetsgarden@frontiernet.net

Breast Feeding as an Adoptive Mother

Occasionally I take a look at online waiting parent registries for no other reason than because I am curious. Recently I came across a posting in which an adoptive mother offers to breast feed their adopted baby. Apparently hormone pills can be administered that assist in the production of breast milk. This particular adoptive mother breast fed their first adopted child and hopes to do the same with their second adopted child. This appears to be the couple’s “selling point” as this detail is outlined in their introduction

The thought of an adoptive mother breast feeding an adopted baby disturbs me.

As an adoptee I would have been “weirded” out if I found out my adoptive mother pumped herself full of hormone pills in order to breast feed me. It just doesn’t seem natural – it isn’t natural. I know there are a lot of studies that state breast milk is full of vital nutrients and is overall more beneficial to an infant when compared to formula, but I wasn’t breast fed and I am just fine. I was a happy and health infant, child and adult. My husband and his brother were also not breast fed (they are not adopted). They too were healthy babies, children and adults, and are two of the smartest individuals I know.

There are some circumstances in which a mother simply cannot breast feed their infant and for me adoption falls under one of these circumstances. An infant does not need to be breast fed in order for them to know they are loved. And while I realize this is obviously a personal choice for this particular adoptive couple, I can’t help but feel perhaps the adoptive mother has yet to come to terms with her infertility and if I were a birth mother this would concern me.

I may be attacked for my point of view concerning this issue, but beyond the fact that I am “weirded” out by the entire concept and have never considered breast feeding an adopted child, how beneficial is breast milk that is, in essence, artificially produced? How much of the synthetic hormones are being transferred through the breast milk in to the infant? I am not a doctor and obviously I am not well-versed on hormones that produce breast milk, but overall I think the idea of an adopted mother breast feeding an adopted child is wrong.

Ten Confessions of an Adoptee

1. I often wonder how different I would have turned out had I been raised by my birth parents
2. I often think my birth parents are still hiding some information regarding my birth from me
3. My adoptive parents are my parents and it bothers me when they are referred to as adoptive parents
4. I consider my birth families friends of the family more so than I consider them family
5. I really like my birth sister on my birth-mother’s side and think she would have made an awesome sister growing up
6. I wish my brother would search for his birth parents so we could hopefully find out more about his developmental delays
7. People often comment how much my mom and I look alike (I mean my adoptive mom for those who are confused) and that makes me happy
8. One of the worst things about being adopted through a closed adoption was not having access to medical information – how is that fair?
9. When I was in elementary school my best friend didn’t believe I was adopted and called my mom to ask her if it was true.
10. I used to use adoption as an excuse not to do family tree assignments in elementary school – I can’t believe some teachers fell for it.